I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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