Someone shit on the floor
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
