On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
