If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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