Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
