Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
