Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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