He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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