New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
