apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
