My girlfriend figured out who you are.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
