someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
