Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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