Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
