so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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