Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize