Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
