I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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