I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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