If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
