can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I looked at my own cervix.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
