If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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