im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
