I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
