I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
its liver damage thursday
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
