Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
