no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
