Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
