I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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