My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
