my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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