I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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