mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
