which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
