He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
