thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
