Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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