ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
