Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
