I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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