DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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