we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
