1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The maid of honor just puked.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
