I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
