Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
