I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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