My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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