The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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