My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
