I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
